AMAZING

Today was my first day at work.

It was AMAZING, truly amazing.

It was an 8-hour training session on the history of the organization and what it means to work there. While that may sound hideous to some of you, it made me SO HAPPY! I love being a student, understanding the big picture, having a framework and learning where I fit into it.

The training made me realize a few other things as well:

NUMBER 1
I have worked for non-profit organizations for more than 90% of my professional career and I have never seen an orientation like this. It actually feels like I'm waking up from Battered-Employee Syndrome. BES is actually a condition I made up with some friends at one of the many non-profits I worked at in New York City. It is most common among (though not limited to) arts organizations, especially well-known ones, that think working for them is a gift and you should be grateful for the less-than-stellar working conditions and less-than-livable salaries. While these beliefs may not be accurate, there is one thing they can count on: they can replace you in a heartbeat with someone who WILL consider the job a gift. Many non-profits don't pay attention to employee recognition, satisfaction or retention -- and truth be told many non-profits are stretched so thin that these things may seem like luxuries -- however, penny-wise, pound-foolish people, ever heard of it?!

NUMBER 2
There are VERY large expectations awaiting me in my new job. My position has been vacant since JULY at which point it was a manager-level position. It is now a director-level position and there is A LOT to do. My orientation group was made up of 30 people from all over the organization -- one, like me started today, many started in the last 90 days and some had been there almost a year. Without fail, each time we went around the room to introduce ourselves to a current staff member who was presenting a learning module, the person we were introducing ourselves to (including the CEO of the organization!) responded to my introduction by saying "Oh, I've heard about you, we're so excited you're here!" They didn't say this to anyone else in the room...

Now, I love being the center of attention. If you know me at all, you know that much! I have heard of women who don't like to be the center of attention. On more than one occasion I have even thrown showers for some of these women and I have never understood that sentiment. Honestly, I believed them, I just never understood them. . . until today.

Wow! It was pretty embarrassing to have speaker after speaker express their excitement at my arrival. Granted, I'm excited about this job, but I am pretty realistic about it: it is highly unlikely that I will meet every one's expectations and there is bound to be some disappointment. I am not saying this to be self-deprecating or negative. I'm saying this because I think my first order of business is to start reigning in the expectations to something a bit lower than super-human!

NUMBER 3
The last realization was the hardest: I left the building completely overwhelmed (in a good way) and also desperately sad. I am so happy about this job and so proud of myself and so excited to get started, and it just plain sucks that I can't share it with my dad. Ever since he died, anything good has been tainted. Not in a way that makes good things bad, but in a way that makes them really, really sad, especially when I'm least expecting it.

I called my cousin on the way out of work. We share the unfortunate distinction of losing our dads (who were brothers) too soon. She was an amazing comfort and reminded me that we were lucky enough to have relationships with our dads that makes them not being around so difficult. It doesn't make it easier, but it does provide important perspective. She believes they know what we're up to and that they're proud of us. (I'm not sure I believe that and she assured me it was ok if I didn't.) I do believe that the lack of my father's pride/approval is a void I need to find a way to fill on my own. In any event, it is certain that our dads raised us to do what we're doing and we are grateful for that. (It also helped that a ton of my friends called to check in on me last night and today and tell me that they are proud of me! Thanks peeps!)

So it all begins here. After 8 months of lounging around, it's on!