Ten Year Night

SMS and I met 10-years-ago tonight. We've been together ever since. This is what we look like ten years later. The sweatshirt is 20 years old. It used to be my brother's. He wants it back.

TEN YEAR NIGHT
by Lucy Kaplansky

There is no one else around
The road is quiet, the only sound
Is wind that sounds like cars that sound like breathing
The desert air is hot and dry
Two lanes weaving earth and sky
The stars are all that's keeping time till morning
And I turn and look beside me
And you're sleeping like a baby
And you haven't heard a word that I've been saying
And the way you look tonight
Fast asleep in the dashboard light
Well I can't speak, and that's how I feel

Open your eyes and look at me, and look at me
Open your eyes and look at me
'Cause I have and hold this love for you
Before this ten year night is through
I'm telling you
Take it from me, take it from me

We're ten years older I know we are
Than the night we met in that downtown bar
You thought I was some kind of star, that's what you said
I felt your skin, I felt the heat
As you pulled me out into the street
And you kissed me there till I was weak 'cause I asked you to
And later on on your kitchen floor
Two flights above the grocery store
I felt things I never felt before, and still do

. . .Going eighty on the highway
we're all rushing somewhere
But the way I feel tonight
It's like I'm already there. . .

My Back Came Back!

Evidently, I spoke/posted too soon. Apparently, Naprosen is a wonder drug (which I actually knew from my summer camp days when one of my friends had been prescribed Anaprox for her menstrual cramps -- she was more than happy to share and we dubbed the pill "Bliss").

Cousin Andrew and SMS had a lovely breakfast at Du-Par's with L and then went to In-N-Out to get me a Single Cheeseburger Animal Style (Andrew had a Double Double Animal Style) and I had to get out of bed to eat it because even I, in the pain I was in, was not going to attempt an In-N-Out in bed! Amazingly, I felt better. It took the meds about 3 hours to kick in, but when they did, they did! After lunch we headed out to the beach. SMS and Andrew took a quick hike and I sat on the beach reading and listening to music. It was a glorious day and it certainly helped to restore my perspective. (It also made me feel really stupid, because rather than going to Target once a week, I could be going to the beach. Duh! Will have to work on that in 2008.)

This is what Point Dume looks like on New Year's Eve Day:













After the beach we stopped at a bar for beer (for the boys) and appetizers (all around) and we saw this sign (it made us laugh really hard and think about all of our friends and family "back east"):













So love to all and stay warm. We miss you and we love you. Happy New Year!

When you throw your back out, where does it go?

Today is New Year's Eve Day and I am very much looking forward to saying goodbye to 2007.

It wasn't that it was a bad year; in fact, in many ways, it was a good one, but all in all, it was very, very hard. When I said this to SMS on top of Calabassas Peak yesterday he said "What year isn't?!" and I thought, wow, he's right. I am constantly amazed at how hard it is to be an adult. It's much harder than I thought it would be.


So as if to kick me in the pants for deriding it, 2007 has left me flat in bed with my back thrown out. I would however like to report that I do have very good friends because within 5 minutes of discovering this, I was offered Naproxen, Darvocet and Oxycodone. Good friends indeed. I opted to start with the least scary, Naproxen, and am currently propped up in bed typing with Henry The Cat on my chest and Mae The Cat next to me giving herself a bath. My hope is to get this under control enough to go out for sushi tonight, but I'm not making any promises.

So a typical December 31st post would include a recap of the previous year, a top ten list or two, maybe some things I am grateful for and a few hopes for the new year. I'm not sure I have any of that in me right now. . .In fact, I think I am severely lacking some perspective these days.

I think I'll just leave you, and 2007, with some pictures from the last week. My mom was visiting for 8 days and then my cousin arrived. Here are some highlights:
(Susan P. backstage at Wicked, Buddah at Norton Simon in Pasadena, Me and SMS in Venice, Susan P. and me at The Getty, SMS and Susan P. outside Vitello's, Cousin Andrew at Calabassas Peak)

H-Man Is Home!

So I brought Henry home and he looks pretty good to me (this photo is a few weeks old)! I know looks can be deceiving and the vets seem considerably concerned, but for now, I'm just thrilled to have him home!

Basically he is "stable in heart failure" which means that the X-rays say he is in heart failure but he is not showing any outward signs of it. I am hoping that this is actually Henry's "norm." Henry is just a cat with a really big heart (which we knew all along!) and that while he may not live to be 18 I hope this isn't as dire as they think it is.

Obviously we'll take it day-to-day, hope for the best and pay close attention to his breathing and behavior. Thanks for all your emails and calls!

On Cats

We have two very special cats. We adopted them in September of 2002 from a lovely couple in Brooklyn, Y&E, who had rescued them from a lot on Henry Street around the corner from our apartment. They are brother and sister from a two cat litter - the Alpha cat, Mae (left), who currently weighs somewhere around 18 pounds and who is on Prozac to treat her need to pee on the carpet, and Henry (right), the runt, who weighs just over 8 pounds. Henry has always had a host of health problems that tended towards the annoying rather than the serious, until yesterday.

Over the past several days we noticed he had been throwing up more than usual (his food allergies cause him to throw up a fair amount anyway, but something had definitely changed). I had some free time so I called the vet on a whim to see if she could seem yesterday morning and to my surprise, she could fit him in.

She examined him and seemed fairly confident that the symptoms were related to the food allergies, however she wanted to do X-rays to make sure he hadn't aspirated some of the food he was throwing up (because he had developed a bit of a wheeze). She was gone for a long time and when she came back she said she was sorry that she had bad news. She showed me his X-rays and explained that his heart was enlarged and that the sac containing the heart had a lot of fluid in it. She told me that she wanted me to see a cardiologist immediately and that it was
possible he could die on the way to the animal hospital.

That was not what I was expecting to hear, but I called SMS and he said he could meet me there, so off I went.

The animal hospital was a little cold for my taste, but the cardiologist seemed nice. She examined Henry and was ready to see us as right as SMS arrived. She told us that she needed to keep Henry for a few hours and explained that she was going to do some sonograms, some blood work, and, if necessary, use a needle to take away the fluid around the heart. It was about 1:30 and she asked us to come back around 5:30. We called at 3:30 and were told that his blood work was ok and they still needed to do the sonograms.

When we arrived it took them a while to see us and that made us very nervous. When the cardiologist came out she told us we couldn't bring Henry home that night because he did not let them get all the tests done that they needed to do. (He is deceptively strong!) She did however tell us what she knew:

Henry has an enlarged left atrium and a very small left ventricle due to muscular build up. What the original vet thought was fluid, and therefore an immediate situation (in that the fluid could prevent the heart from functioning), was actually all the enlarged left ventricle, which is a more serious condition in many ways, but not as immediate as his heart was still functional, though not in a completely healthy way.

As she sees it, even though she doesn't have all the data yet, it's one of two things:
-- Hyperthyroid induced heart disease
or
-- Idiopathic Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy, which is heart disease with
no discernible underlying cause

She believes it is more likely that it is the latter, which unfortunately is the more serious/complicated condition. In either case it will be treated with medicine, but in the case of the latter, as there is no underlying cause which can be treated, he will progressively get worse and she doesn't expect him to last a year.

And, unfortunately there is another complication: the particular heart disease/deformity he has can lead to blood clots which have the unfortunate ability to lodge near the base of the spine and cause great pain and paralysis. A clot like this almost always results in euthanasia as the there is no treatment for the pain or the paralysis.

We are hopeful we will get to bring him home today and spend some time with him here. Mae is hanging in there and we are being careful to make sure she is well looked after without her partner in crime. She actually took care of us in the middle of the night last night when SMS felt nauseous.

Today the carpet cleaners are coming in the morning and our new bed is being delivered in the afternoon. I hope I will have Henry home by then, or if not, that we can pick him up once the bed is delivered.



Think good thoughts and imagine him home with us soon.

On Plumbing

This week I had two preliminary conversations about two different jobs and one real, in-person interview that went fairly well. I would say that that was a good week, except right now I'm wondering how long one (namely, me) can go without going to the bathroom before one (namely, me) gets hurt.

This morning Sam woke me up around 7am to say good bye when we heard a very loud "bubble" coming from the hall bathroom. Imagine the noise a REALLY LARGE water cooler would make if it made a bubbling noise. Over the next 40-minutes it became apparent that both toilets were clogged and dirty water was coming up from the drains in the bathtub in the "master" bath and the shower stall in the hall bath which then promptly overflowed onto the floor and then out to the hall carpet. After many panicked calls to the landlord and much pleading he informed me that a real plumber, not his surly old father, would be here between 9am and noon. So right now the cats and I are camped out in my bedroom. I have brought their food and water in here along with their litter box that I just saw Mae (thankfully!) use successfully. (Camping out in here is the only way I can ensure they don't play with the dirty water in either of the bathrooms or the hallway.) We're not such happy campers here and I'm sure none of you reading this will ever want to come over ever again.

The cleaning people are scheduled to come on Tuesday to help us get ready for my mom's visit (though she just may cancel after reading this) and I am trying to think positively that this will all be worked out by then so the professionals can clean up the mess, but who knows!

Right not I'm just trying to calm my bladder and I am thankful that when Henry woke me up at 4am with a fake puking attack I went to the bathroom!

I know our rent is cheap because this is a family run building which is not professionally managed, but I am starting to doubt the wisdom of that choice.

**UPDATE**
Apparently 6 hours is as long as I can go without going to the bathroom. Against my better judgment I went in the "master" bathroom, flushed and then quickly plunged. It does not seem to have made anything worse and I certainly feel much better. Though still totally grossed out. For more "Jamie on Toilets" fun click here.

**UPDATE 2**
Plumber has arrived.

**UPDATE 3**
The plumber is really nice and making progress by snaking from the garage/basement. He says that none of the fixtures are blocked but the sewer line out of the building is. He says we share that line with the people above us (the same people we park next to who have dinged our cars on a number of occasions and who supposedly had a "robbery" when money was stolen out of a drawer (but nothing else was taken) in their unlocked apartment shortly after we moved in). He also recommends we don't flush our kittie litter and he said he would keep that recommendation "just between us" so we didn't get in trouble with the landlords.

**FINAL UPDATE**
I have bleached the tar out of everything bleacable in the master bath. I am not getting in the shower to do the same to my body. I have called the cleaning people to come tomorrow rather than Tuesday. Hopefully this is the end of it. Famous last words.

The Afterlife

My own thoughts about heaven and hell are contradictory. I am a scientific being with a supreme belief that science can and does explain everything. I was not raised with religion beyond a menorah and potato pancakes and I never feared a hell or aspired to a heaven. Still, when I think of my dead relatives, I think of them as being “up there,” looking down on me, and occasionally impacting my day-to-day life. It doesn’t make any sense. I shouldn’t look skyward when I think about my dad, but I do.


Jews, at least the ones that raised me, don’t believe in “going to a better place.” When a Jew dies it is not because Jesus wanted that person in “HIS” world rather than in ours. When a Jew dies it is because it is our time: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Although I was raised with very little religion and even less faith, I was raised with a Jewish perspective on death and dying. And it worked for me. I was taught to say “I hope you are able to find comfort in the memories of your (mother/father/grandparent).” I was taught to find comfort in my own memories.

I lost friends earlier than most: traffic accidents, drunk driving, suicide; but the first truly debilitating loss came when I was already 24 and my grandmother passed away. It was a real turning point in my life as it was the first real experience I had with permanence. It seemed everything else in my life was fluid; things I didn't like could be fixed or done over. But with my grandmother gone I experienced for the first time what “never” meant. All my truths were reset. I actually stopped writing for a long time after her death. I think it was because I realized I didn’t know anything about anything.

After her death, I was lucky to be visited by her in very vivid dreams. Some of them took place in the past – in her old house when I was a kid – and some of them took place in the future – my cousin’s wedding that was still years away. And some of them, the ones I liked the most, were actual conversations between my dead grandmother and me. Conversations in which she acknowledged that she was indeed gone and present in my dream at the same time. This was the first time I came up against things that couldn’t be explained by science. Except that they could.

What if my grandmother’s visits, and later, my grandfather’s and my dad’s, were not a “sign” of a spiritual life in the hereafter – what if they were that life? What I mean to say is: when a song comes on the radio and it seems that my dead father tuned it in specifically for me, maybe the feeling I have in my gut is heaven. Maybe heaven doesn’t exist for the dead; maybe it is a creation of the living, but one that does not negate it any way.

It’s not that it is “made-up” and therefore “make-believe,” maybe making it up, makes it so.

Yesterday I went to a JV Jags basketball game. Just after half-time I started to have a physical reaction to being in a gym and watching kids play ball. The quality of the light, the sounds, the smells all reminded me of my childhood. I don’t know how much of my time was spent in a gym watching my dad’s teams play, but sometimes it feels like it was 90% of the 80s.



I started to tear up, but I was mostly able to hold it together. Then my clothing started to feel like it was too tight. Had I not been video taping the game, I would have stepped outside. Had SMS’s kids not been frittering away a 12-point lead, I would have stepped outside. But I didn’t want to miss anything and I wanted to support my husband and take a good game video for him to use in practice. I thought I would be ok.

But then a kid went down and out of the stands walked a 300lb man in a dark velour (possibly Fila) tracksuit. Although he was black and wearing a hat, something my dad never did, he walked like he owned the world (maybe all “heavyset” men walk the same way?) and I lost my composure.

Did the universe conspire to give me just a bit more than I could handle? Did my dad have something to do with the series of events that left me a shivering mess in the JCC bathroom? Or is it just the fact that I can have these feelings at all – that I can be moved to tears by a fat man in a tracksuit (who turned out to be the varsity coach) – that IS my heaven and not a “symptom” or a "sign" of it.

I have no idea.

I would like to think my father is programming the radio stations I listen to – it would certainly explain the amount of Queen played on the radio out here and the fact that Rod Stewart’s "Young Turks" was playing on my way to Costco this morning. But my dad raised me to put my trust in science. And my mom taught me that because you are the one that looks yourself in the mirror every morning that you are responsible to you, and not a higher power.

I did make it through the game to see the JV Jags pull out their first win. SMS was thrilled and my freak-out only dampened the mood slightly.

As the second anniversary of my father’s death approaches I still find it utterly impossible that he is dead. And yet, I know he is.

On Fences

I saw this on my neighborhood walk yesterday:
















Fences, toilets, power poles?! That's just wrong.

And this is what I woke up to this morning:
















I have a feeling this is going to be the beginning of a series of posts...see, what I actually woke up to this morning was the sound of this fence being put up, right next to our building, right outside our bedroom window. They are tearing this little house down (and the one behind it) to put up new condos. I have a feeling I'm going to be waking up to some seriously unpleasant sounds for the next year or so. Hmpf.

On Cupping

So, a few of you have asked about the cupping.


















Here's a quick link to an article about Gwyneth Paltrow's cupping fiasco in 2004.

As for me, I have been seeing an acupuncturist for the past month in an attempt to calm my very tense back/hip/butt. Yup, you heard me -- I have a tight butt! Actually, I have Piriformis Syndrome, which is commonly referred to as "a pain in the butt." The piriformis is a muscle that attaches the spine to the hip. I'm not sure why the diagram below shows the piriformis on only one side as I'm pretty sure it exists on both sides of the spine.


















I was diagnosed several years ago (some of you may remember the time when I couldn't go from sitting to standing without looking like a 90-year-old with osteoporosis) but I had been able to keep it under control thanks to an AMAZING doctor of osteopathic medicine in New York who performed manual manipulations, much like a chiropractor, but different.

Unfortunately, though I asked several times, she refused to relocate with me, so I was forced to explore other options for pain management. I started with massage (enjoyable, but not so much relief) and then I saw a chiropractor -- I decided not to let him adjust me. The pain was escalating when a friend in New York recommended I see his friend out here, an acupuncturist in Santa Monica. He's been working me with needles for a couple of weeks but although some ancillary problems (my jaw, headaches, etc.) got better, my back was not showing any sign of improvement - so last week he "cupped" me. And I'm happy to report, I feel better than I've felt in months. I'm going back later this week, most likely for more acupuncture, but possible some cupping as well. It's good stuff.

Week in Review

I've had a very nice week.

To start with, the Steelers beat the Dolphins 3-0 on Monday Night Football. The details are unimportant, as is the fact that for a few moments I actually thought we might (gasp!) lose to the Dolphins. But we prevailed!

On Tuesday I took the car to get looked at. People at SMS' school recommended a guy near the school and he was great! In 25 minutes and for 35 bucks my bumper is now firmly attached to my car. No more speeding for me! (Ha ha - that was sort of funny!)

Tuesday night was SMS's debut as a JV basketball coach. It was not the debut we were hoping for, but an accomplishment none the less. SMS has taken on a lot as a first year teacher and he's managing really well. We celebrated at P.F.Chang's with our friend B and his adorable daughter (who slept through the whole thing!).




















On Wednesday I helped out my friend's family with a trip to Target (I really do love it there!) because they aren't able to get out.

On Thursday I went BACK to Target to get things for a baby shower I am throwing this coming weekend. Seriously, I love it there - Target maybe one of my favorite stores EVER!

Thursday night I had pizza with my friends and their parents who were in town from the 'burgh and who happen to be friends of my mom's. It was nice to have some Pittsburgh time!

Friday I had two appointments on the other side of the hill - acupuncture (which turned into cupping!) in Santa Monica and a GP appointment in Beverly Hills. I had purposely scheduled them a few hours apart -- I figured I could explore a new neighborhood in between -- but of all things, the weather conspired against me. It rained! In Beverly Hills! I swear! But I survived -- though some people might disagree! (See below.)














Friday night SMS's cousin (who was in town from Toronto) treated us to amazing sushi and sashimi at Jinpachi on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood. Amazing, truly amazing.















Saturday I helped K&M move K's mom into a new place in Pasadena. There wasn't much to carry, but they took me out for pastrami anyway - yum!

And Sunday L took me on a brand new hike (to me, that is) in Griffith Park near the observatory. Very, very cool. And we didn't even get lost! Below you can see the view of the observatory from the top of Mt. Hollywood. Very cool.



















And then the Steelers won, again! Twice in one week! At night, in the rain, both times - on regular TV! What could be better that?! Good food, good friends and two wins in a week. WOO-HOO!

I like LA.

November Photos

Click here for My Life in Pictures, November 2007.